How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
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[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Coffee for people with no kids
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.