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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
waiting for halloween be like:
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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