[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
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Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH