modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
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I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.