“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”