[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
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Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Fluff me with a fork baby
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png