i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for