I don’t get marriage
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I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct