My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
You Might Also Like
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes