My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Me trying to reach for my goals
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.