Knock Knock
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[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
pictures of spider-man
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Brother?