Just say no
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Dead sexy!!
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids