I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages