The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”