me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…