So glad we cleared that up
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Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta