Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Bobby pin
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.