Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
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Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
My neck my back my allergy attack
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”