Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
One of the best
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?