*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.