SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
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If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
When someone trying to leave me
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.