I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
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Thinking about Jeff
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.