My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
You Might Also Like
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”