maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
What kind of a cult is this?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I gave up going to work for lent.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
This is Sparta
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
I need to update my racial profile.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet