The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
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I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
You are not alone 💚
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Kids, do not try this at home!
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
My work here is don’t.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over