My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol