You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Duolingo getting serious.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*