The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
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My favorite type of men is ramen.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Love this guy
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The Compass
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse