Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”