hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
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I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Girl, same.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?