[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
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You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples