Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
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I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.