Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
get you a girl who