I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
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Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.