Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
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[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.