[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
You Might Also Like
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message