I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
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4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?