Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
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me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down