are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
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*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.