Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke