sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
You Might Also Like
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
What my back needs
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence