There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
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Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall