The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
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*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.