Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
What the hell happened here.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard