My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
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Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.