Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
You Might Also Like
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Succinctly put.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”