wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
You Might Also Like
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I am yelling
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!