My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.