Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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7
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90Me: Nailed it.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Can’t stop laughing
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby