Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I feel like one of these would kill a European
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
this chia pet tastes awful
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!